On an otherwise quiet Sunday night, the peace was broken by the blaring alarm at the Winston Fine Art Gallery. A team of cat burglars had broken into the Sculpture Hall.

Security guard Nathan Lollicino was monitoring the cameras from the security center, but the culprits were too itty bitty to be seen by the live feed. By the time he arrived in the Sculpture Hall, the chaos had already descended. The target of these dastardly vandals was the exhibit known as The World’s Largest Ball of Kite String, created by renowned local artist, Whitney Higgins.

“There was string everywhere,” said Lollicino, recounting the scene later for our investigative team. “I shouted ‘Freeze! Toe beans where I can see them!’ but it soon became clear that none of the bandits were fluent in English.” Lollicino went on to describe how the purrpetrators escaped: one of the orange kitties rolled over and showed off his tum, and while Lollicino was petting his soft floofy belly, the others dashed to freedom. Then the one that he was petting bopped him on the nose with his tiny paw and skedaddled out a window. “I didn’t know that it was a trap. I regret my actions now,” said Lollicino. The kittens stole several of the kite strings, according to Lollocino, “probably to serve as macabre trophies for their heinous crimes.”

A police sketch of the prominent wrongdoer, dubbed "Wuggles." — A police sketch of the prominent wrongdoer, dubbed “Wuggles.”

The heist had apparently been organized by dozens of smol kitty-kats, most likely a multi-litter coalition, in a devious scheme to vandalize the centerpiece of the museum’s Modern Sculpture exhibit. According to police chief Dick Nickson, “this is exactly the rise in crime that cities all over America are facing today.” Nickson showed us police sketches of the suspects, including the orange cat that distracted Lollicino, which everyone at the station had taken to calling Wuggles. “We need to protect our hard-working American families from these criminal scum,” Nickson added while stabbing his finger at the precious snoot on one of their fuzzy faces. Nickson added, “These hoodlums cannot get away with blatantly disrespecting the paw—sorry, law.”

When asked how she felt about the destruction of her piece, Ms. Higgins remarked that “it wasn't destroyed, it was simply re-distributed. If anything, this incident has enhanced the piece.” Ms. Higgins’ following on Twitter has sextupled in size ever since her art’s involvement in the world’s most adorable heist. With the fame has come accusations that she was in cahoots with the cattos. “Those accusations are baseless,” said Ms. Higgins, “I was not involved. I’m really more of a dog person.”

According to Nickson, it was fortunate that no one was harmed. “The penalties for fine art theft are steep, and may include prison time. They may even end up in solitary confelinement—sorry, confinement,” said Nickson. He went on to explain that this robbery may be a hallmark for future criminal behavior. “For youths like this? Sure, the crimes may be cute and cuddly now, but mark my words, these superpredators are going to grow up to commit bigger crimes like assualt, and even meowder—sorry, murder.”

According to the museum’s curator, Rebecca Winston III, the security systems and security team had responded as intended. “There are contingencies that even expert security protocols are not planned for,” she said, referring to the fact that several dozen balls of fluff had slipped through grates in the museum’s ventilating air ducts without being detected, took a quick collective nap, and then pounced out of the ceiling to land on top of the art installation. The security footage showed the cats running on top of the ball in one direction, causing the ball to roll off of its pedestal in the reverse direction. “This level of coordination could only be implemented by master criminals,” noted Winston III, “they must have been planning to hit this exhibit for quite some time.” The insurance payout for the museum is estimated to be roughly $4 million dollars, but Winston III said that she could not confirm that number.

An anonymous tip left on the police tip line claimed that the kitties were holed up in a warehouse in the dock district. Officers arrived with armored vehicles, a SWAT team, two snipers, and a helicopter bearing a floodlight. There were no kitties to be seen, so after firing off a few hundred rounds for good measure, the warehouse was searched. After clearing the property, all that investigators had found were tiny bits of chewed-up kite string.

Detective Ricky K. Knight led the task force that swept the warehouse. “They were definitely here,” said Knight, “they left behind several knocked over houseplants. Something must have spooked them before we got here. Perhaps someone rustled a plastic bag nearby and sent them running.” When Knight was asked whether the suspects were believed to be armed, he expressed that he was unable to determine if any of them were declawed, and so had cautioned his team to assume that they were armed and dangerous at all times.

Police Chief Dick Nickson weighed in on what will most likely happen when the suspects are apprehended. “We need to make an example out of these youngsters. We are going to push for the kitties to be tried as adults so that no one will ever think that they can get away with crime in my city. Not now, not evfur—sorry, ever.” When asked for details, he added that, “they will be held in police custody and bottle-fed by our administrative staff until the trial.”

Knight reviewed the security footage from the museum with our reporting team, which caught Lollicino on camera rubbing the warm lil tum of Wuggles. “That sick bastard, who stages a robbery while stark naked?” asked Knight, noting the lack of collar. Knight also had an opinion on Lollicino’s actions. “If it were up to me, that man would no longer have a job. Clearly he’s soft on crime,” he said, pointing to the soft criminal.

At press time, a city-wide kitten hunt was underway. The total cost of the chase so far is estimated to be around $4 million dollars, including police salaries, but as Nickson noted “we’ll pay any cost to keep our streets safe.”